AH! When are things going to get better!! I'm just sick of this rut my life is in. I'm sure part of it is infault to the bad choices I almost always make. But GOD, why can't things just go my way! I have a crumby job, that pays me close to nothing. I barley squeeze by on my outragous bills every month. And I'm not talking about maxed out credit cards or anything useless like that. My rent for my half alone is almost 1300.00 for a shity room in a shity two bedroom house. ANd to top it off California is in a bad bad economic situation, so that means that any new jobs that do come around will be like flys on crap, swarming.  I've tryed to get several new jobs, but everytime I go for an interview I'm up against 30 old bitches competing for the job. I should have moved out of state when I had the chance.

There is so much in my life right now that is up in the air. I just wish I could afford to take a year off work and really figure things out. But I can't. I know time will eventually figure everything out but I can't help but wonder where things are going to be in a year. It seems like everytime one part of my life is going great, another is completly messed up. I just wonder if it is possible to have it all. My collegues tell me it's not. But I think it must be, in some rare and unfound occurences. Otherwise, why do we all try? I mean right now, I have a wonderful thing going with a man I really love. Who I don't think (besides some lessons on being romantic) could be any sweeter. Yet I have a job I hate, I feel like I'm never going to finish school, and I'm tired all the time from being the dilligant, under-paid, multi-tasker, who has a need to please everyone. (which usually leads to me doing everybody elses work for them, while I only make a small fraction of what they do) Not to mention I'm broke, due to this horrid job's salary and a bad economy that has left my county jobless. Then there's my room-mate who I am ever kicking myself in the butt for signing a year lease with. She truly is crazy, which leads me to stay away from home as much as possible.

I feel like I don't have a right to complain about life being that there are people much worse off than me, with no food, famlies or have horrid diseases. But I fell like I'm working so hard to go nowhere. It's like running on a treadmill that keeps speeding up, burning all my energy up and taking me nowhere. I'm having severe burnout and I'm only in my early 20's. I can't help but wonder where I'll be even a year from now.

And I'm such a worrier. I have a bad disease I call the what-if's. All I do is What-if every possibly bad secnario in my mind. Like "what if I never get another job", "What if my boyfriend dosen't really love me", or "What if he never marry's me" or "what if he leaves me". I drive myself crazy doing this but I can't help it. It's almost like a subconcious thing. I don't know If I'm just insane or if this is something that everyone does but dosen't talk about.

Ah, I'm rambling on now. But all I truly wish for is things to right in my life. I guess that's all we all really wish for. But sometimes I wish I could see through that looking glass, into the otherside of time. Just to see the fruits of my labor and what , if any thing, I have to look foward too.